Post by Amber Craze James on Jan 25, 2013 4:09:05 GMT -5
don't get too close, its dark inside *
Amber's fingers traced her ribs as she laid in the empty cabin. Her depression had moved on from childish anger and constant pain to longing. Longing to not be Amber James. Longing to be perfect Cinder Lynn, Arinne, Jennifer Lawrence, just someone other then herself. She has never really cared about what people thought of her, and she still didn't. She just didn't want to be fat because being far was horrible. She was born broad-shouldered and "heavily set" and really tall. She realized that she would always be tall and bigger then most other girls, but her stomach seemed to be growing abnormally. Her stomach and her hips. She had always eaten twice as much as girls her age with no problem, but now it was all catching up to her. She hated her body. She hated her big hips and her large stomach, which was not equaled out by her small chest, but it was emphasized by her broad shoulders. She didn't want to be like that anymore.
Rolling on to her stomach, she pulled out a magazine and started flipping through. She found a page about weight loss and started to read it. Long story short, it was a load of crap. A bunch of stuff you had to buy that probably didn't do anything. There was one thing that Amber knew, though. It wasn't healthy, but it was better then being fat. She tore the page out of the magazine and got up, a single tear rolling down her cheek. Why shouldn't she? No one would care. Not Jason, Ilo, Cinder, Josh... None of them would care. None of them would care that she locked herself in the bathroom, then stood in front of the mirror. No one wold care that she cried as she lifted up her shirt and traced her ribs. And no one would care that she took a big black marker and started to write on her stomach.
I HATE MY BODY. She wrote, crying. Because she did. It was a sad fact that she did. Her mind thought back to the days when she took ballet. The teachers always just ignored her because she held no hope. She wasn't petite like the other girls. She traced her stomach again for another moment before she collapsed into a heap on the ground. Not crying, not making a sound. Just breathing. She was tired of all the drama. She promised herself that from then on she would smile just because it was the thing to do. No one would see her do otherwise, and she also promised that she would have a reason too. She would be skinny. She needed to be skinny. She stumbled over to the toilet, just staring at it. Should she really do this? What if she died? What if she couldn't stop? Well, she would be attractive... She needed to be better, for her sake alone. And then maybe Ilo and Jason would like her better...
After a few moments, she took one of the towels and wiped her face off while she slid against the wall away from the toilet, gasping for breath. She lifted up her foot and used it to flush because she didn't want to move. So it was settled; every day after she ate she would come back here and throw up. It would only be around two weeks before she was skinny, and then she could stop. Right? Right. It would be okay. This calmed Amber enough to stop crying, so instead she slid sideways and curled into a ball, one hand on the stomach that was far too pudgy for her liking.
It was several moments before Amber calmed down enough to get up and gargle water to get the taste out of her mouth. It was when she looked in the mirror that sent another wave of silent years down her face. This time, she just stripped off her clothes and crawled into the bathtub, turning on the hot water as she laid in the bottom, silently crying. She turned on the shower head so it would actually wash over her, and she cried. She soon heard the door opening, so she took her getting into the shower as a good thing; the white noise could mask the sound of her crying, which was slowly getting louder and louder. She didn't use soap, so the markings on her stomach didn't wipe off. For some reason, she took that to heart. Maybe it was the Fates telling her that she should hate her body, but that would soon change. Maybe she was just overreacting, but either way, she was laying in the bottom of a shower, crying.
* * * *
It was almost an hour after Amber had entered the shower that she was pulling a tight black tank top over her body. She had finally calmed herself down enough to pretend that nothing had happened, so it was no surprise that pretending like nothing had happened was what she intended too do. She combed her hair out, pulled a sweater over the tank top and lose jeans on too her body after that. It was then that she brushed her teeth and took a deep breath before emerging from the cabin bathroom, still intending to keep her promise to smile. She sat down in her bunk, rubbing her stomach subconsciously where she knew those words were written. There was someone else in the cabin now, but that was fine. As long as she kept her cool, it would be alright. Sighing and rubbing her wet, usually curly hair she rummaged in her bag. Writing songs was a stress relief technique for her, despite it being hard to read with her dyslexia and hard to focus with her ADHD; nonetheless, she pulled out a spiral-bound notebook and began to write.
It was a few minutes before she ditched that and just laid on her stomach, pulling out her iPod and putting it on the stand, she played her Imagine Dragons album. The first thing that came on was Demons, so she listened. She let herself find peace through listening to the beat and soaking in the words. After all, Apollo kids were nothing if not musicians; Amber was one, and musicians tend to find their peace through some sort of song. Just like he blonde girl. Just like how she rolled over in her bunk, still soaking in the words as the next song began to play.
Muse: Amazing.
Words: Over 1000
Listening: Demons - Imagine Dragons
Notes: All writes on an iPad mini.. o;
Outfit: Here.