Post by Amber Craze James on Jan 9, 2013 8:17:39 GMT -5
my dreams ran like sand ,
"N-no... Sammy... Sammy don't jump! Oh my gosh... Ahhaa. Oh, gods, Dean, don't cry..." Tears leaked down Amber's cheeks as she sobbed uncontrollably, while laying under the sheets of her bed and watching Supernatural. She couldn't explain why a TV show would make her cry, but it did. It was like she was living it, untouched by the reality of her watching it on her iPod with headphones on. She could relate to Sam and Dean more the anything. They faced monsters every day, she faced the cruel, relentless world that laid beyond the doors of the Apollo cabin. They faced life and death, and now so did she. The flu was making people drop left and right, as well as the monster attacks becoming more frequent. They had the struggle of staying together and not ripping each others heads off. She tried to keep with Josh as much as she could, but she hadn't seen him as of late. Ossac... Ilo... Skye... Jason... Josh... Cinder... They were all so distant, so far away. She had been struggling to keep her world together for so long, and now it was slipping through her fingers So fast and so hard. She just couldn't breath without something else falling apart. The same with Sam and Dean. Supernatural showed how luck is never good, and no matter how much you try, something else always blows up in your face. Her friend, Pandora, had died recently. Because luck is never good. Because by breathing, you're ensuring that the world hates you. Amber felt that, like Sam and Dean, both heaven and hell wanted something, needed something, wanted her dead. She was just waiting for satan to take her over and try to kill everyone she loved. Then she would have to go to hell. To escape something bad, you have to go somewhere worse.
Amber's heart pounded inside her chest and Sam gulped and gave one last glance to Dean before he jumped into hell. A new wave of tears drifted down her cheeks as Dean cried. It was like watching Pandora die all over again. But for some reason, it brought her peace to know that a billion other people probably related to this show, too. But there was still a layer of ice that laid on her heart at the thought of Pandora. Pandora. her friend had died, and Amber had just sat there and watched. She hadn't been able to do anything but try to make up with her as Pandora cried and yelled then faded into nothingness. This time, the tears that came were because of her old friend, and not because of Supernatural. Her heart was pounding so hard, now... As the show closed to an end, she cried harder and harder, not smiling when Dean finally made a family, because you only get happiness so it can be taken away from you. The blonde sighed as Season 5 ended, unable to stop crying for more then three seconds before the next wave of tears came to her in a flood of emotion. She just felt so tired, used, jaded... she wasn't suicidal, not at all. She just, in that moment, wouldn't fight back to death. If she was given the choice, she would take it. No doubt. Death was her friend... Wandering around in a field and forgetting everything that you were seemed pretty good to her. She could be with Pandora. Pandora... She breathed deeply, another wave of fears flooding down her cheeks as the show came to an end, ending with Sam standing under a light pole, watching Dean inside his house. But Amber knew that it wouldn't last. Something was wrong with Sam, and Lisa and Ben wouldn't keep loving Dean. Even the writers of Supernatural knew that you only have happiness so it can be ripped away from you. Always. Forever.
The end credits rolled by, and Amber tried to steady her breathing. But every time she went three seconds without crying, she was gasping for breath with Pandora's name burned into her mind. Pandora was gone now. Skye wouldn't have wanted to be bothered, so then what? She couldn't bug anyone in her cabin, she couldn't go find Cinder Without waking anyone up. She couldn't go find Ilo, because he wouldn't even do anything but tell her not to be sad. But how could she not be sad? Her life was a mistake. Or maybe she was just a scar. A scar on the face of the earth that no one cares about and no one notices, but that takes all the pain of everyone with good luck. Maybe that's why she was put on the earth. To take the pain. Maybe the fates had specifically designed her to hold the weight of the world on her shoulder for other people's benefit. She couldn't think of any other way one person could possibly hold this much anger and sadness. In their heart, or in their thoughts that seemed to move at a sluggish rate. The world burned too bright for her... She was just a scar. Only safe in her thoughts. Only safe in my thoughts. The very thought rolled over her as she pushed her blankets off, allowing her warm feet to touch the cold floor and yelping slightly with a new wave of tears. She shut her mouth off, trying not to wake anyone up as she got up and stumbled too the doorway, tripping over herself far too many times for what she did to be called walking. It was like she was to scarred mentally to do physical actions properly. But, that makes sense, because the mental controls the physical, so you have to be mentally intact in some ways to be physically intact in other. Amber's thoughts started moving slower as she thought this, stepping into the cold night with her bare feet, and closing the stained door with a creak.
She didn't know we're she was going. She just tried to breath through her feet stepping on rocks and sticks, earning her new physical scars to meld with the old mental ones. She was gasping for breath, trying not to cry and clinging to one thought as if it was her life. In reality, though, that one thing was not the curiosity that killed the cat, but it was the pain and the knife that curiosity held, driving it into the cats flesh. But the cat didn't beg for mercy, no; the car just sat there with tears in its eyes, understanding that it brought it on itself, and accepting the punishment. Amber was the cat, and Pandora was the curiosity. Amber had wondered what her life would be like without Pandora, and so she jumped, then fell. Now Pandora was gone and she had no place to turn too. As she was was the blonde with a bandage on her head, the blood on her feet and the tears on her cheeks as she trudged along, shaking and stumbling, but then she collapsed in the middle of the woods with a single yelp. she landed on her forearms and her shins, making them bloody, just like her feet. But the pain was numbed by the voice in the back of her mind, telling her that it didn't matter. Her mental, emotional pain was worse. She was useless, pathetic and small. Just laying there, collapsed, gasping for breath and crying harder then she ever had. Before she knew it, all her pain escaped her lips in a shriek. a scream of panic, chaos and of sheer sadness.
Pandora. A shriek. Josh. One shriek. Cinder. She shriekd again. Skye. She screamed, flopping onto her crack and looking as the faint brushes of dawn smeared across the dark sky. Dad. She screamed. Mom. Another yelp of pain escaped her lips. Apollo. She more cried then anything, this time. Pandora. Pandora. Pandora. With each thought came a terrifying, loud yelp. She cried, not able to breath or move or think. Her thoughts just shut off all at once, leaving her crying for no reason. Hopefully, she was too far out of camp for anyone to hear her. She didn't need judge mental glances added to the list of her problems. People were already asking if she was okay all the time, despite how much she lied. Maybe they realized she was lying, but they needed to realize that people lie about how they feel for a reason. She just... Hated herself because of what she had said to Pandora, and she didn't want people to know that. Pandora. Pandora. Pandora. her mind screamed out her name as she cried, unable to form words now that her horrific incident of screaming was over. The scarlet blood that dripped from her wounds only added to the fact that she was thinking about Pandora. She cried harder.
"How is it?" She asked suddenly, speaking only to the sky. Her voice was like a knife sticking into a full cake; something stabbing something beautiful. "Death, I mean." She said through her tears, gasping. "I-I know you can hear me, Pandora. and I'm sorry. For.... For everything. I'm... Just... It's so cold... H-how is it up there? Is it any better? Do you... Do you feel whole?" She gasped. Something told her to keep talking, so she did. "...Its hard, down here. You know, I have no one to talk too... And I just... It's so much pain. All the time." She said, biting her lip. For some reason, talking helped her heart rate to slow and her breathing to ease, as well as her tears to stop falling so fast. "I miss you. So does Skye. Um... I'm not sure about anyone else. I try not to talk to people anymore, because they tend to piss me off." She suddenly giggled slightly, still crying. "I haven't seen Ilo or Jason in a while... I think they might be avoiding me or something. Mom is still sick, but I can't leave until Skye says yes to coming." She cried a bit more before continuing. "I-I can't go without her. I can't leave and cme back to her not liking me anymore, I need her, Panda. You can understand that, right?" she cried a bit longer. "T-they said it would help to write letters to you, but I don't want too... I didn't even want o say your name until now. But I guess talking does help a bit. I usually sing, actually, but you know that." And suddenly, a song was formed.
"What do I say? To the friend that I watched fade away... I watched her grow, I watched her fly, I watched her fail but then get up again to try. I always smiled, I always laughed. I should have known that I would seen be dressed in black." She took a breath. "And I will stand, Throw roses on your grave, Put dirt on your coffin, My friend. And I never forget you, I swear. What do I say? To the friend I watched fade away... I watched her shrink, I watched her world burn, I was always next to her. I always smiled, I always laughed, I should have known that I would always be dressed in black. And I will cry over you, And my heart with break into two, My friend." She stopped to cry for a moment longer, "What do I say? To a friend I watched fade away... I watched you scream at me, I know you were pissed at me, I am so sorry... And I will apologize, Wipe the leaves from your grave, And cry, My friend..." She ended on that, turning over so she was on her side, her fingers tracing the leaves as she continued to bleed. "Note to self, call writer of Supernatural and tell them have Sam and Dean have breakdowns." She sniffled, finally able to control herself, back on useless subjects. She finally understood Castiel talking about God betraying him, because she felt like everyone she loved, dad and not dad, was betraying her. She sighed, sniffling again, then closed her eyes. She was dizzy from emotional problems and her bleeding, so she felt like she never going to pass out. And if she did, that was okay. If she never woke up? Also okay. Everything was okay. It was all okay.
Amber's heart pounded inside her chest and Sam gulped and gave one last glance to Dean before he jumped into hell. A new wave of tears drifted down her cheeks as Dean cried. It was like watching Pandora die all over again. But for some reason, it brought her peace to know that a billion other people probably related to this show, too. But there was still a layer of ice that laid on her heart at the thought of Pandora. Pandora. her friend had died, and Amber had just sat there and watched. She hadn't been able to do anything but try to make up with her as Pandora cried and yelled then faded into nothingness. This time, the tears that came were because of her old friend, and not because of Supernatural. Her heart was pounding so hard, now... As the show closed to an end, she cried harder and harder, not smiling when Dean finally made a family, because you only get happiness so it can be taken away from you. The blonde sighed as Season 5 ended, unable to stop crying for more then three seconds before the next wave of tears came to her in a flood of emotion. She just felt so tired, used, jaded... she wasn't suicidal, not at all. She just, in that moment, wouldn't fight back to death. If she was given the choice, she would take it. No doubt. Death was her friend... Wandering around in a field and forgetting everything that you were seemed pretty good to her. She could be with Pandora. Pandora... She breathed deeply, another wave of fears flooding down her cheeks as the show came to an end, ending with Sam standing under a light pole, watching Dean inside his house. But Amber knew that it wouldn't last. Something was wrong with Sam, and Lisa and Ben wouldn't keep loving Dean. Even the writers of Supernatural knew that you only have happiness so it can be ripped away from you. Always. Forever.
The end credits rolled by, and Amber tried to steady her breathing. But every time she went three seconds without crying, she was gasping for breath with Pandora's name burned into her mind. Pandora was gone now. Skye wouldn't have wanted to be bothered, so then what? She couldn't bug anyone in her cabin, she couldn't go find Cinder Without waking anyone up. She couldn't go find Ilo, because he wouldn't even do anything but tell her not to be sad. But how could she not be sad? Her life was a mistake. Or maybe she was just a scar. A scar on the face of the earth that no one cares about and no one notices, but that takes all the pain of everyone with good luck. Maybe that's why she was put on the earth. To take the pain. Maybe the fates had specifically designed her to hold the weight of the world on her shoulder for other people's benefit. She couldn't think of any other way one person could possibly hold this much anger and sadness. In their heart, or in their thoughts that seemed to move at a sluggish rate. The world burned too bright for her... She was just a scar. Only safe in her thoughts. Only safe in my thoughts. The very thought rolled over her as she pushed her blankets off, allowing her warm feet to touch the cold floor and yelping slightly with a new wave of tears. She shut her mouth off, trying not to wake anyone up as she got up and stumbled too the doorway, tripping over herself far too many times for what she did to be called walking. It was like she was to scarred mentally to do physical actions properly. But, that makes sense, because the mental controls the physical, so you have to be mentally intact in some ways to be physically intact in other. Amber's thoughts started moving slower as she thought this, stepping into the cold night with her bare feet, and closing the stained door with a creak.
She didn't know we're she was going. She just tried to breath through her feet stepping on rocks and sticks, earning her new physical scars to meld with the old mental ones. She was gasping for breath, trying not to cry and clinging to one thought as if it was her life. In reality, though, that one thing was not the curiosity that killed the cat, but it was the pain and the knife that curiosity held, driving it into the cats flesh. But the cat didn't beg for mercy, no; the car just sat there with tears in its eyes, understanding that it brought it on itself, and accepting the punishment. Amber was the cat, and Pandora was the curiosity. Amber had wondered what her life would be like without Pandora, and so she jumped, then fell. Now Pandora was gone and she had no place to turn too. As she was was the blonde with a bandage on her head, the blood on her feet and the tears on her cheeks as she trudged along, shaking and stumbling, but then she collapsed in the middle of the woods with a single yelp. she landed on her forearms and her shins, making them bloody, just like her feet. But the pain was numbed by the voice in the back of her mind, telling her that it didn't matter. Her mental, emotional pain was worse. She was useless, pathetic and small. Just laying there, collapsed, gasping for breath and crying harder then she ever had. Before she knew it, all her pain escaped her lips in a shriek. a scream of panic, chaos and of sheer sadness.
Pandora. A shriek. Josh. One shriek. Cinder. She shriekd again. Skye. She screamed, flopping onto her crack and looking as the faint brushes of dawn smeared across the dark sky. Dad. She screamed. Mom. Another yelp of pain escaped her lips. Apollo. She more cried then anything, this time. Pandora. Pandora. Pandora. With each thought came a terrifying, loud yelp. She cried, not able to breath or move or think. Her thoughts just shut off all at once, leaving her crying for no reason. Hopefully, she was too far out of camp for anyone to hear her. She didn't need judge mental glances added to the list of her problems. People were already asking if she was okay all the time, despite how much she lied. Maybe they realized she was lying, but they needed to realize that people lie about how they feel for a reason. She just... Hated herself because of what she had said to Pandora, and she didn't want people to know that. Pandora. Pandora. Pandora. her mind screamed out her name as she cried, unable to form words now that her horrific incident of screaming was over. The scarlet blood that dripped from her wounds only added to the fact that she was thinking about Pandora. She cried harder.
"How is it?" She asked suddenly, speaking only to the sky. Her voice was like a knife sticking into a full cake; something stabbing something beautiful. "Death, I mean." She said through her tears, gasping. "I-I know you can hear me, Pandora. and I'm sorry. For.... For everything. I'm... Just... It's so cold... H-how is it up there? Is it any better? Do you... Do you feel whole?" She gasped. Something told her to keep talking, so she did. "...Its hard, down here. You know, I have no one to talk too... And I just... It's so much pain. All the time." She said, biting her lip. For some reason, talking helped her heart rate to slow and her breathing to ease, as well as her tears to stop falling so fast. "I miss you. So does Skye. Um... I'm not sure about anyone else. I try not to talk to people anymore, because they tend to piss me off." She suddenly giggled slightly, still crying. "I haven't seen Ilo or Jason in a while... I think they might be avoiding me or something. Mom is still sick, but I can't leave until Skye says yes to coming." She cried a bit more before continuing. "I-I can't go without her. I can't leave and cme back to her not liking me anymore, I need her, Panda. You can understand that, right?" she cried a bit longer. "T-they said it would help to write letters to you, but I don't want too... I didn't even want o say your name until now. But I guess talking does help a bit. I usually sing, actually, but you know that." And suddenly, a song was formed.
"What do I say? To the friend that I watched fade away... I watched her grow, I watched her fly, I watched her fail but then get up again to try. I always smiled, I always laughed. I should have known that I would seen be dressed in black." She took a breath. "And I will stand, Throw roses on your grave, Put dirt on your coffin, My friend. And I never forget you, I swear. What do I say? To the friend I watched fade away... I watched her shrink, I watched her world burn, I was always next to her. I always smiled, I always laughed, I should have known that I would always be dressed in black. And I will cry over you, And my heart with break into two, My friend." She stopped to cry for a moment longer, "What do I say? To a friend I watched fade away... I watched you scream at me, I know you were pissed at me, I am so sorry... And I will apologize, Wipe the leaves from your grave, And cry, My friend..." She ended on that, turning over so she was on her side, her fingers tracing the leaves as she continued to bleed. "Note to self, call writer of Supernatural and tell them have Sam and Dean have breakdowns." She sniffled, finally able to control herself, back on useless subjects. She finally understood Castiel talking about God betraying him, because she felt like everyone she loved, dad and not dad, was betraying her. She sighed, sniffling again, then closed her eyes. She was dizzy from emotional problems and her bleeding, so she felt like she never going to pass out. And if she did, that was okay. If she never woke up? Also okay. Everything was okay. It was all okay.
through the fist that I made ,
