Going Insane? [Jam McC]

[Jamian Thomas McCovy]

January 2nd, 2013 —

So, I've started keeping a journal... what do I write? (Oh, and Bailey; if you read this, I'm kicking your ass)

The Christmas season is over, and so is 2012. I can't say that I'm happy it's over. It was a tough year; Tal turned depressed, Bailey seemed to get more annoying with Tal's depression, and the flu started up with all the rage of the gods. So yeah, it was a very hard year. But this year seems to be getting harder. Bobbi died, leaving Tal more depressed then ever. Along with her boyfriend Luke, which means that it's must be really hard for her. This has got me worried more then anything, because I know that when she locks the bathroom door and doesn't come out for a while... well, I know that that's why she's hiding her wrists. It's been playing with my head, as I can't figure out what to do. I think I might go to Chiron soon — he can handle it better then I can.

At the same time, I'm sort of terrified to go to Chiron. If Tal thinks that I think something's wrong with her, then things might only get worse. And that's one of the reasons I can't sleep. I keep having nightmares. Tal laying dead in the middle of the cabin; myself coming in to find blood splattered everywhere and never finding Tal. Even nightmares of Tal going crazy and offing Bailey before herself. I know — it's more irrational then anything I've ever thought, but I can't control my subconscious. And... well, and part of me? Part of me doesn't want to come back to the cabin because I'm afraid that one of them has come true. Demigod dreams do come true a lot, right? But hopefully I'm just screwing with myself.

So... what happened today? Um, I woke up. I couldn't make myself eat, so I stayed in my cabin. It was actually too early to get up, anyway. Then I heard Tal crying... so I got up... Tal was talking about Luke in her sleep. She said that she missed him, so I stood there. And Tal thought I was Luke, so she started talking to me. It was the first time I'd cried since I was almost nine, but I cried. Only because it was the first time I had seen her smile in a long time. The first time she smiled in a long time, and it was because she thought she was talking to someone who was dead. I'm starting to wonder if she's going insane, but part of me thinks she's already there.

The road ahead seems a bit darker then before. All I can think to do is make it through the day. So I sat in bed and laid there for several more hours. I've barely eaten all day, so I'm hungry, but I still can't eat. Besides, it's not like I could find anything now — it's a quarter after one and I'm sitting under my blankets with a flashlight. My mom had sent me a journal a few days ago, and I couldn't make myself write in it. Now I figured what the hell — when life gets tough, write down stuff that you can kick your brother's ass for reading. So uh... I really have no idea how to end this... um. I like candy. There. Ending statement. Goodbye!

[Jamian Thomas McCovy]

January 7th, 2013 —

So it's been almost a week. Earlier today, we got a new camper. I guess her name is Taylor? She's a daughter of Hermes, so she's my sister, I guess. A few days ago, Tal was in the bathroom too long... I guess I freaked out, so I got the door open. Tal was cutting herself, but Bailey thought she had just cut herself on accident on something. I guess it was for the best... the worst thing was the look in Tal's eyes. She just stared at me. I was tired, I was afraid that she would bleed out, and the look on her face... her eyes... it was cold. There was just... so much coldness and sadness and weariness. I didn't cry, thank gods, because Bailey was standing right there. I wanted to cry, though. I've watched my sister fade away... who wouldn't?

I was glad that Bailey didn't know, because I wasn't sure what he'd say. But today, Bailey was teaching Tal how to swim and I found them. Tal couldn't bare to tell Bailey that she was cutting herself or something, so she asked me too. I really didn't want too, but I did. The look on Bailey's face has been replaying in my mind ever since... his and Tal's... over and over again... I can't even begin to describe it. But now I'm afraid of what'll happen to Bailey, now that he knows what's going on with Tal. I'm terrified to find out; some things should just not happen.

I still can't eat. All I had eaten today were a few eggs and a bit of candy from Taylor (as much as she acts like she doesn't care, I think she's taking a liking to us. She said I was looking pale and gave me candy — apparently, she never does that to anyone). I'm starving, but I don't want to eat. Maybe I'll eat tomorrow. Days might get better, right? Anyway, I'm tired. Hopefully I wont have a nightmare tonight... hopefully one of my siblings isn't as I write... one of them is snoring awful loudly. Maybe it's Taylor. Or dear Aphrodite, it's Taylor. Anyway... I'll just be going. I'll try to write more tomorrow.