tal's scribblings, notebook two

[Talia Winchell]

Written early in the morning, with no intention of ever giving it to Uriel

Uriel -

Yesterday I found the other letters that I wrote to you but never meant to mail in the first place. They were from last spring, from both before and after I swore I would never talk to you anymore. I couldn't read all of them. That was the first time I really did realize that you may well not have an ounce of humanity in your body.

I'm terrified, to say the least. Reading both the letters and diary entries has forced me to come to a conclusion: You brainwashed me. Something of that sort. I can't quite explain how I felt back then, but you did something to me. Ordinarily, I wouldn't have taken that sort of shit from someone. I was in a bad place in my life (duh), but you had two options. To make it better or worse.

Obviously, you chose the latter.

And I don't know why that was. Maybe you had your own issues, but there were better ways to go about it then to give me so many mixed messages. Nobody was forcing you to say I love you, I hate you, kill yourself, I can't live without you. Nobody ever forced you to threaten me. "Whenever you hurt yourself, I'm hurting myself in the same way." You might not have realized it, but that wasn't helping me. That was the opposite of helping me.

We both screwed up, but I'm not letting you do that to me anymore. I almost gave in to you again, that night on the beach and, to be honest with you, I'm proud that I didn't. I have a long way to go, but moving past you is one thing. You say you love me, and I don't know whether or not to believe you, but I don't love you back. I did, but not anymore. I can do much better.

Fuck you,

Tal Winchell

[Talia Winchell]

Scribbled hastily into her notebook directly after dinner

I can't stand this for much longer and I know that's one of the most hypocritical things I could ever say... regardless, it's also very true, and I don't think I can describe how much I want Em to just be like she used to. Even if I hated her at times. It's like I left camp and she was perfectly happy and well-put together and never had her eyeliner smudged, and then I came back and she was in sweats and a T-shirt and - well, fuck, her eyes were dead. And I know, to some degree, it's my own fault. Which makes it worse. I don't want her doing the same things I did. And she is.

I want to tell her how sorry I am, but she always freaks out when I say sorry. So I just try and shut my mouth, but it's so fucking hard because she obviously needs something. But I can't be the person that she wants. I'm not good at comforting people. I don't know. I just need to hug her. That sounds pathetic, but it's true. I want her to know it's all okay. I don't know. It's like... as soon as I begin to get better, she fucking slips. And there's no end.

I can't fucking do this. I love her and she doesn't know that because she won't let me tell her.

[Talia Winchell]

(Note: this is AU. See Ana's most recent posts.) Written at three in the morning while trying to muffle her crying

I can't fucking do this anymore. I mean, I tried my best, but there's only so much I can do if the gods are just set on going against me and everyone I love. I don't know what I did to make all this fucked up stuff happen to everyone I've cared about. But I must have completely screwed up somewhere because otherwise I never would be in this position. I wish I could take it all back.

They found his body long after it happened. I don't remember who found it. The first thing I did when we were told was cry and throw up. I don't know why. I miss him so much. I didn't want to go to the funeral, but Jamian made me. He told me that I had to. I just didn't want to deal with it, which I know is cowardly and hypocritical and all things in between but I didn't think I could handle another one of those fucking things without exploding. They're so depressing and unnecessary. There's no reason to dig up all that shit once they're gone. Why can't they just be forgotten?

Well, they can't. I know that. I just suck at dealing with all this. I've dealt with it too much.

I feel so horrible about how I treated him. Because he was annoying and hypocritical and way too loud and I treated him like he would always be there to annoy me and make fun of me but now he's gone and I should have at least made an effort to be nice and prank with him instead of being a moody bitch all the time and acting like I was too good for him because I fucking wasn't he was always so full of life and happy and nice to be around and now he's just fucking gone and I don't understand where all the life inside him could have gone and oh gods. I treated him like complete shit. I remember he was so frustrated with me whenever I was sad. Maybe that was his way of caring or maybe he really was just frustrated. I don't give a fuck. He's just gone. He hated me for how I acted and I had no fucking chance to apologize.

Does it just go away? I don't think I could deal with that. I like to believe that he's still here somewhere. Same with Luke and Bobbi. Like they're just pulling a big prank and one day they'll all three of them just knock on the door like nothing ever happened. I can't stop crying. And I feel horrible because I have no right to cry or want to die like I do but there it is and I can't control it. I just don't know what to do or where to go from here.

I want to die I want to die I have no idea what I'm waiting for or if there's anything I am waiting for. I just want it all to stop.